Sex, Trash, Candy

Watch a beautiful person doing something mundane. That is how humans fall in love with somebody, even temporarily. Music is the bridge, making those micro-enamorements stick.

The Tapas place in West Nashville is playing their dinner soundtrack, the Hermanos Gutierrez. They’re a Mexican slide guitar duo; sun drenched, wistful melodies that resolve with a small upturn, then fade like they’re walking down railroad tracks. The moment I heard them was the moment I knew there wouldn’t be any more tapas served without them as the soundtrack. The canvas swishing around wine glasses, noses, ears.

They’re lifting up the olive oil sheen, small candles, the tinkering silverware and hushed conversations. The patio breeze understands the assignment as the guitar melodies slide off the ceramic plates and out into the street.

You notice a beautiful woman eating tapas, listening to the Brothers, your brain circuitry is going to make the leap. It’s going to imprint that dripping cool beauty onto her silhouette from the other side of the dining room. She bites, covers her mouth, smiles at something her friend said.

She has dark hair in a tight bun, a few strands framing her high cheekbones, a little birth mark just above her lip. She is the set and setting, without having any idea how the sound’s mirage is bending around her, distorting reality.

I once watched a cook dragging out a fat bag of trash after a shift, hunched like a criminal, cigarette on his lips. It was also the first time I heard “Sex and Candy” by Marcy Playground. The heroine-drawled chorus snapped “I smell sex and can…” right as his oversized black feet clomped by me and he exhaled a puff of smoke. I conceded he was the coolest motherfucker on the planet for that millisecond of time. I had no choice.

It’s almost unfair how that works, how we don’t choose it or see it coming. Powerful songs are micro-time capsules into people’s psyches, stacked throughout life. Whatever they rode in on, the traumas, hopes, sex, candy, all come firing back. And if it’s the first time hearing it, it’s that liminal experience of seeing nostalgia form in real time. That woman became a tableau vivant.

The Hermanos Gutierrez were recording in some far-off studio, hands adorned with rings. They adjust the lap steel, pick at calloused fingers, hit record again and transmit directly to upscale dining rooms nationwide. The Marcy Playground found a melody over 3 chords, a perfect analog pool to splash around in. The temporal red carpet rolled out for junkies and cooks and pixie girlfriends to be immortalized in a million different minds for 10 precious seconds.

People’s faces are taking on impossible dimensions as the candle shadows grow taller, the waiters bend around tables without a sound. The wine grows a shade darker as the sun glints off the glass, refracting into my eyes.

Everyone else is locked in their experience, oblivious. I’m grateful.

Seesaw

Pain and pleasure on a spectrum, they can come in an IV drip or in a crashing flood. Both swing the pendulum back and forth in a predictable manner.

Sleep gets mildly disrupted, wake up to a somewhat humid room your eyes are crusty, back feels a bit sore.

Grateful to be here, grateful to be alive.

The mood wall. It plays news, music, uses a slight filter for the mirror (depending on where your trajectory will go for the day). It makes you look more gaunt and baggy, or maybe it tightens your skin to uplift your spirits before you walk out.

The shower water temp is a bit hot; the eggs are a bit overcooked.

You go through the same motions; these are pre-programmed as they have created a predictable dopamine ride to prepare you for the day and harness your cortisol awakening response. You dry your hair this way, put on your socks just so. You meditate. Since your minute motions are predictable, the smart environment knows how to tweak these to change your internal feed.

Traffic patterns show a delay you weren’t notified about, at work there was a last-minute meeting scheduled that you didn’t receive notice of a system update.

Maybe the barista doesn’t remember your name, though you’ve been there several times over the past few months. Maybe the pretty girl’s eye you’ve caught doesn’t happen to look up today, your chance to meet fades away again.

But what if you locked eyes and smiled? Fleeting moments of beauty- that’s what gets sealed in. “Core memories” If you use Instagram and adopt that vernacular. Smells, noises, swish of hair and a side look. That feeling hits you unexpectedly, whether scrolling aimlessly on the toilet or stuck in traffic. Hopefully not at the same time.

Those are what the hippocampus imprints, replays, and yearns for forever more. The forgettable laundry moments require discipline though, they are what are championed. You have to put in that dopamine groundwork to prepare you to appreciate the perfect gaze, that song that sends shivers, that sexual moment where you feel like a fucking animal and forget about the world.

You need the predictable to appreciate the moments of unexpected beauty. But what if predictable is pain skewed, and you are constantly fighting for the baseline? Using that IV drip from your phone to fart you along from 10-1, then to 1. Caffeine, Adderall, anti-depressants, Instagram, Hansel and Gretel breadcrumbs leading you through the day. But the ups and downs turn into a seesaw attached to a jet engine. Up and down until your brain is whiplashed. No wonder It’s hard to fucking feel ok.

It’s all relative, all based on your programming. That day is set by the day before. The synapses clock in and clock out. They’ll eat what you feed you them. They grow diabetic from TikTok, or turn into David Goggins if you live off grid and make straw dolls for fun.

I’ve smashed the seesaw before. My ass got sore, my eyes were baggy, and I was having self-righteous arguments with imagined foes in the shower.

So I sat in a jungle staring at the wall listening to the rain. I stroked a female’s hair and held in a delicate fart to not break the silence. Sweat dripped off my face into rocks as I labored up a mountain at dawn. I congratulated myself for doing insanely normal human shit because I had forgotten what it was. Unplug the seesaw, instead, make it a bike ride over hills. Never easy, but not so abrupt.